You ever feel like some of the just "OK" things you say yes to are taking up room for better, or "AWESOME" things you could be doing. But then I feel like I am put into a state of always waiting for the next thing that is going to be better then the thing I didn't even say yes to in the first place.( I confuse you yet?!) I never end up taking a risk or a chance or even being fully satisfied in what I am doing because I am worrying that I am passing something else up. That could be spending my time more wisely. That the current JOB? or Person? or RELATIONSHIP? isn't for me that really I am passing up something great for what right now seems to be just ok. I don't think that I am the only one with this problem, but maybe I feel like I should stop worrying. In actuality, it will all work out in the end? will it?
A lot of people tell me that, God is in control. Just let go and let God. What the hell does that mean?! let go of my worry, my stress? my anxiety. I am not sure if your like me, but in the lowest lows, when I have felt like I have let everything go, It's not like a radical moment of change. It's not like instantly I feel relieved of everything. but a gradual realization that I am ok. That nothing is going to break and I am going to make it back to the house of comfort in one piece. (but is comfort what I really want, or am I living my life against myself? my own kryptonite? Again another blog)
What do I do in these situations. I don't think "let go" is the right choice of words. that in actuality it should be, "CHOOSE" to pro-actively engage in analyzing why I am here. right now, in this situation I am in. Why I am not content with the current choice in paths. To make a daily decision that involves a conversation with God. A dialog that lays out true feelings. (abandonment, fear, anxiety, guilt, condemnation) and make a choice to not freak out? not worry? Words that come to mind are faith, trust, love? (not sure if love should be there, but in so many ways I feel it infects faith and trust, to have one without the other is very difficult)
So what is the point I am trying to get to? I have no F*&#'n clue. Just feels good to get some stuff out sometimes lol. But really, To live for something more would be simply not to let the worry of doing the wrong thing, or making the wrong decision get in the way of the purpose, or reason for being here in the first place?
Faith, Trust, Love
-D
