The Pursuit of Things Unknown

   

     Throughout life we pursue things. Determined to reach a certain goal with a certain outcome. Many times we can itemize a list of said goals but don't really know where we are really going to end up. We get married, have kids, develop thoughts and ideas that lead to the next step, but we don't exactly know where that next step is going to lead us. It's the endless pursuit of things without a given outcome. Many people go to school or invest time and money to reach said goals, but who knows if we are ever going to reach them. What keeps us motivated? What is our fuel that ignites a fire to continue. Happiness, Joy, sorrow, disappointment and competition keeps us going... it keeps us taking next steps towards a unsaid goal or a undeveloped passion. The drive to continue.

     Faith is something we must hold onto... faith in something unseen, and unknown. If we don't have faith we loose the drive fail and try again. In the pursuit of things unknown we must continue to have faith to keep going. Keep going... a correlation between all things is "Action." Keep doing, trying, failing, succeeding. And when the passion subsides and you realize there is no where else to go, have faith and keep moving. Because you know more now than you knew yesterday.

     Keep pursuing the things unknown.

From a High to a Low

It is almost pointless to think that you can stay at a high point in "emotional life" forever. You have to come down someday... right? (Define High Point) A state at which you are truly feeling without want or care. Something great has been happening. The winds of change are on your side. You are breathing new air and you like it! Nothing is wrong. A contentment? A place where you are needless and therefore wanting to take on everything. But once you go ahead and take on the world, the world is thrown back at you. And you come down.
Now here is a question... can you be content without an emotional high. Is contentment merely defined as a emotional feel good place or is it something that you choose. A choice. A point of reference or a frame of mind. To choose to not let your emotions take control over your self confidence, aspect of life, or state of being. (gosh that's hard!)
Lets define a LOW, shall we. A common definition in everyday life would be... "Just ain't feeling it." or maybe something substantial did occur. The passing away of a loved one, the loss of a job or the stress of providing for your family or yourself. Day to day shit that just piles up and you don't know what to do with. How would it be possible to be content in those states. That place where you have your back against the wall and you just want to release all sort of responsibility and start over. At those moments, what does contentment truly mean. To be peaceful, not to worry. Everything is going to work itself out. A understanding that no matter what, you are going to get through this. Where does that sort of peace and understanding come from? It has to be something that is not of ourselves. To give up and give in. A denying of self. A release of self.
My pursuit of carrying over contentment has driven me to maybe a false sense of peace. I try to fabricate some sort of emotion, that everything is going to be ok. That somehow I can control the situation and have peace that is forced out a quiet place deep down inside. But, no matter how hard I try, the second that I give up is the moment when the sense of peace is there. A divine peace, that I could never bring myself. Something that is given to me. What ever that means. (insecure of everything I just wrote lol) I think there is some sort of truth in that. what? I have yet to define clearly enough, I apologize. The pursuit of contentment is key. maybe.

Breath of Fresh Air.

Breathe in...

To take in a breath. We do it all day, everyday. That's approximately 20,160 in one day. (that's a lot!) The rudimentary definition of living. To breathe is to live. Also a analogy for the feeling or presence of new life. To be around something that makes you feel new or fresh!

What a wonderful thing, to be someone who is a bringer of fresh air. You know that person. That every time you hangout with them they just bring such a new feeling, a new idea. How do I go about consuming my life with people who bring a breath of fresh air. Who bring such a new life to everything. Do you think if you hang out with people too much, they can loose their freshness? Or really is the quality of new or fresh feelings such a subjective thing. An idea that we project onto people that come into our lives that are so radically different then we are use to that we pursue that freshness. So do we really want to pursue freshness? Because doesn't everything loose it's fresh out of the box feeling.

I want to meet someone that never looses his/her freshness... is that possible? that day after day I can be stoked on getting together with that person.

Or is it all in my head. That really I project the freshness on to others and also the opposite, I project the dullness onto others also. That really I am the one who is not being the breath of fresh air!

"may I learn to be a breath of fresh air in those who love me and are around me everyday."


-D

"Stone of Help"

I would like to say that it is a new day, What really gives me the power to say that? I feel that beginning and end is very subjective given the situational state that something is in. Throughout life we progress through many different states of life. I would say that each state of life has a beginning and end.

I went through a time of homelessness, that time has come and gone. beginning and end. I feel it is healthy to give bench marks to each of these beginning and ends in life, just so when we look back or come across something that reminds us of those times, we can remember very vividly what happened and why we are now so different then we once were.

A long time ago, a method of doing this would be to build something in remembrance of what happened at that time and place. Many times if a victory was won, the victors would build something to remind them and everyone what took place that day. You could even say that at the end of each struggle there is a victory over that moment in life, an END.

Today Ends, tomorrow begins. Victory over that moment in life.

I am going to not only have victory over this moment, but remember the struggle and do something in remembrance of this time and place. raise my "Ebenezer."

Just to start the next struggle. looking toward the next end. It does come.

Living for More.

You ever feel like some of the just "OK" things you say yes to are taking up room for better, or "AWESOME" things you could be doing. But then I feel like I am put into a state of always waiting for the next thing that is going to be better then the thing I didn't even say yes to in the first place.( I confuse you yet?!) I never end up taking a risk or a chance or even being fully satisfied in what I am doing because I am worrying that I am passing something else up. That could be spending my time more wisely. That the current JOB? or Person? or RELATIONSHIP? isn't for me that really I am passing up something great for what right now seems to be just ok. I don't think that I am the only one with this problem, but maybe I feel like I should stop worrying. In actuality, it will all work out in the end? will it?

A lot of people tell me that, God is in control. Just let go and let God. What the hell does that mean?! let go of my worry, my stress? my anxiety. I am not sure if your like me, but in the lowest lows, when I have felt like I have let everything go, It's not like a radical moment of change. It's not like instantly I feel relieved of everything. but a gradual realization that I am ok. That nothing is going to break and I am going to make it back to the house of comfort in one piece. (but is comfort what I really want, or am I living my life against myself? my own kryptonite? Again another blog)

What do I do in these situations. I don't think "let go" is the right choice of words. that in actuality it should be, "CHOOSE" to pro-actively engage in analyzing why I am here. right now, in this situation I am in. Why I am not content with the current choice in paths. To make a daily decision that involves a conversation with God. A dialog that lays out true feelings. (abandonment, fear, anxiety, guilt, condemnation) and make a choice to not freak out? not worry? Words that come to mind are faith, trust, love? (not sure if love should be there, but in so many ways I feel it infects faith and trust, to have one without the other is very difficult)

So what is the point I am trying to get to? I have no F*&#'n clue. Just feels good to get some stuff out sometimes lol. But really, To live for something more would be simply not to let the worry of doing the wrong thing, or making the wrong decision get in the way of the purpose, or reason for being here in the first place?

Faith, Trust, Love

-D

Boxes.

I love that our lives can be picked up and put into boxes, or at least our material lives. The things that we find value in. The objects of our childhood or some sort of personal memory. The expensive stuff. You know the TV the Computer, video games? lol. Bikes, you know what I mean. The material things that sum up who we are physically.

You think it would be true to completely define who we are by the things we own. All of the weird things that we keep. The photos, drawings we keep from art class. (yeah you should see mine sometime! I am so proud)

I just did the yearly thing that most single people do every so often, move from one apartment to the other. Pain in the ass. But yet I love it! Packing up all my items into, well I wish I had boxes, and throwing everything I could away. You got too. Seriously sit back and say, "Hey, why the hell am I keeping this?!" It's a good process. Cleans the soul. Makes us feel good. Getting our "lives" in order. And then take our newly clean and organized life to another house and clutter it up again!

So how come when we clean all our physical material objects we say we are getting our "lives" in order. I am not sure about you, but I don't really want to be defined by the things that I own, but rather by the impact I make and people I get to know, and the knowledge and wisdom I store up. hmm is it true?

-D

Raise me up.

Wow, the craziness has overcome me again. It's like the only time I take a look at what is going on is when I have no where else to go and stuck right smack dab in the middle of it all. When I can no longer run from the feelings, emotions, thoughts, stress, and am forced to face it. I wonder if I don't wait to release the valve of life until it's so much I can't take it anymore, and in stead do a daily evaluation of what is going on. I have hinted at this idea before. Reflecting to help prevent a "self-explosion" if you will.(lol, does that make sense)

So I just got a dog. haha a dog. yep, as if I couldn't complicate my life anymore, but to take on the responsibility of another life. Yet I feel it has been good. I have never gotten up this early, this many days in a row. The days seem to last forever when your packing it full of puppy fun. Anyone who has ever owned a pup can understand that comment. Dogs have a way of forcing you to see who you really are. Their whole personalities are based off of you. If you let them run your life, they will. So I guess in some ways it's good to have a dog for me. Yeah it's good. I have something to be in control of? lol I guess that lends to my wanting control. But to be honest, you can't really control a pup that well. You have to go about the whole leadership thing the way mother nature, or (GOD?), wanted it to be. Trust and Loyalty. Similar, but not the same. What do you think?

I'll write more when I have it all figured out. Lol, then I would never write again, I am never going to have it all figured out. I am sorry for the weak post, if it was one. Sometimes you just have to let the ideas out, so other ideas can come in.

(can I just be raised up out of this stress and worry, Because I dont want it anymore. Someone, anyone, can have it. Take it from me. Please. Thanks)


-D